I am hurting too

Checking email is a part of a normal morning routine. Collapsing on the kitchen floor into an emotional mess, is not.

Email

At my age, news of parents passing should not be something I should be dealing with. Death is something my group of girl friends from high school is becoming undesirably familiar with.

We have had grandparents pass.
Parents.
And a child.

Death is a part of life. But is doesn’t make it easier.

The sudden loss of a parent comes with an indescribable pain. It pierces your soul. It rips your heart apart and your soul comes screaming out with a force so strong your body just fails.

You start thinking about every minor detail of your life that you haven’t told them. For me, it wasn’t just minor details. Maybe that makes it harder.

Picking up the pieces, finding the will to just go, becomes a primal instinct, a flight or fight response.

My mom died 3 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I was waiting to tell her in person. The plan was to drive over for a surprise visit and tell her in person on Saturday. She died 6 days before.

This is different, they had a little bit of warning, but that doesn’t help the grieving process.

Grief of a parent is life long.

When something good happens, it is there.
When your child does something funny, sweet, milestones, birthdays.
When your child is misbehaving
When you’re at church
When your friend tells you that their mom is gone too.

I know that this weekend, isn’t about me and my grief. It isn’t about me and my missed opportunities. It is about Merri, and her grief. Her missed opportunities.

But I will be hurting too.

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What do I want from this blog?

I started this blog as a way to talk my way through Whole30, without the “tough love”.

I dislike that term, by the way. Love isn’t tough. It is kind and patient, gentle and inviting. It shouldn’t make you feel like everything you have done is worthless. Which is how I felt using the forum.

But now I am done with Whole30, But I don’t want to be done blogging.

I don’t want to be another “mommy blogger” or another “mommy food blogger” or another “paleo food blogger”. But I think it is a little inevitable, I am a mom, I LOVE food, and I am paleo.

I am not the type to develop a new recipe weekly for you.

I think I will take this blog in a weight loss and health improvement blog. That is my goal in life, to nourish my body to be healthy and whole. With a little parenting, little spirituality, a little of this and a little of that, all mixed it. It is my blog. I titled it with the word, WHOLE because, I wanted it to be about, the whole of my life.


So with that, it is August. Whole30 is done. And I am on to the next thing. This month, I am working on a couple of things, half marathon training, doing the 21-Day Fix, and I want to improve my scripture study.

Half Marathon Training: I found a training calendar, and I need to just do it. I also recruited a friend to do it with me!

21-Day Fix: I know I posted I was going to do the 21-Day Fix Extreme, but I want to do that half marathon, so I thought I should cut back a little.

Scripture Study: It seems like every Fast Sunday, at least one person gets up and says “Hey you! Why aren’t you reading and studying the scriptures? It is promised that you will have more time, more energy, more everything, if you just devote that time every morning to your Heavenly Father.” And then I go, “Crap, they are talking right to me, I should do that.”

Sometimes I am great at it. But most of the time, It never crosses my mind to even crack those suckers open.

This month, I am going to read daily. There is a couple of great places to get a daily verse set and question. This year, I wanted to finish the Book of Mormon again, since I haven’t do that since high school… I am in Alma, two months behind of BofM365 instagram feed… time to double up!

July 26 and 27th–Friends, Food, and Health

 

Sunday, July 26th:

As we were walking out the door for church, we got invited to lunch. We also already had plans for dinner. We spent all day out of the house, with friends, family, and food!

Breakfast: Leftover carrots, onions and potatoes with a chicken sausage

Snack: GGS

Lunch: Tuna Salad, carrot sticks, salad with paleo ranch (Lunch was not a whole30 friendly meal, so I brought my own food. Glad our friends understand!)

Dinner: (I took a picture, but it isn’t on my phone…) grilled, marinated chicken, salad, roasted carrots and green beans. It was delicious!

Monday:

Monday’s are always crazy, and I tend to dislike them. But today I got some great news. More details in a coming post.

Breakfast: GGS and I added some hemp hearts and coconut oil to make it a full meal.

Lunch: Hamburger over lettuce with caramelized onions and guacamole

Lunch Whole30 day 27
Lunch Whole30 day 27

Dinner: Meatloaf and roasted carrots and parsnips

 

Dinner whole30 day 27
Dinner whole30 day 27